What do you do about the grief that never seems to end?
To begin with, I want to mention that of course it takes time to heal. It won’t happen in a day or two, especially in times of tragedy. However when the grief just seems to go on and on and you can’t step past this grief stage, then you need to view it a little deeper.
Emotions are designed to flow. You’re not supposed to experience the same feelings continuously. That’s when you get stuck. I believe a lot of people are stuck in some way. I know I was. While it could be fear, or shame, or anger, for this article, let’s look at dealing with the grief that never seems to end.
Within you is a pathway of emotion. You have a stream of feelings, and a stream of thoughts. These throughts and feelings are always on and always flowing. They actually flow in the exact same pathway. In a healthy situation, you would be feeling new feelings all the time. A smorgasbord of feelings.
No matter how emotionally healthy you are, there’s gonna be a symphony – a range – of numerous feelings. If you always had the same reaction whenever something triggered your memories of some past event, that would get rather boring, to say the least. So what’s going on? Why all the grief? Why would you experience the same feelings over and over again?
Continuing the ‘stream’ analogy, I would say there’s a boulder in the stream. If you don’t remove this boulder the grief just continues.
And your boulder can be removed! It’s your life, it’s your stream, and it’s your boulder. You’ve got to really let this in.
Nothing is unchangeable unless I believe it is. You see? Whatever you believe about removing this boulder is probably true.
Changing a belief is easy. The difficulty comes in when we have to feel and release the energy that surrounds the belief. Most people would rather die than do this.
Now in this case, your boulder is a mixture of attitudes and beliefs, feelings and thoughts, and decisions and choices. Maybe some other energies also. Whatever it is, you provided it. Which is good news!
And it’s also the important first step to dealing with grief. I’ve got to own what I’m doing to myself. You’ve got to really let it in. Let it in to your heart. Let it in to your mind. “This is my creation.”
And don’t use this as an excuse to blame or shame yourself! That’s not ownership either. And not as a way to feel sorry for yourself or judge yourself. You need to take this past the level of pity if you want to be dealing with grief. Also the judgment, blame and shame stage. One good way to do this is to literally give yourself several minutes to focus on feeling sorry for yourself that you have this boulder. And then drop the pity!
Next give yourself five good minutes to blame yourself, then drop the blame! Or whatever is standing in the way of you and your ownership.
Give yourself a few minutes to feel it – with gusto! Don’t hold yourself back – go for the full effect. Feel all the pity or judgment or whatever is there. You might want to even set a timer. And when the time is up, then let it go.
It takes ownership to change. And you can’t own it when you’re trying to pick it up with gloves of pity or blame or some other limiter.
So that’s step one. If you make it past this, then it’s all downhill the rest of the way.