Your 7 year old clears the table, but leaves behind a bunch of crumbs. Your teenager helps you in tending the garden but accidentally drops the pot with one of your favorite flowers in it. You ask your husband to buy some mascara, and he gets the wrong kind. How do you react? Is your first instinct to criticize or correct them? Or would you rather offer suggestions for improvement? Are you recognizing the positive aspects?
I’m sure most of you have already heard this statement at one time or another. “You always see the negative things first!” I have—both from my family and students I work with at West Ridge Academy. To be fair, I’d have to admit that they are actually right most of the time. I simply don’t put enough attention towards acknowledging the positive things that my kids, my wife, or my students do. Even though I am personally aware of the positive things that they are doing, sometimes it simply isn’t enough – you must let them know that you appreciate their efforts by telling them. When I realize my shortcomings, I instinctively promise myself to be more generous with my praises the next time around.
Why is it important for our relationships to recognize the positive things? Studies show that positive reinforcement for desired behaviors is a much more powerful tool than punishment and increases the likelihood that the desired behavior will re-occur. In short, if we praise kids for the good things that they have done, it is more likely that we will see them do it over and over again. Our students here in West Ridge need the praise even more since most of them have entered the academy with low self-esteem, thinking that they will never amount to anything good in life. In fact, a recent study conducted at West Ridge clearly showed that to have a successful program, we need positive reinforcement.
In that study, 42 subjects composed of students, parents and staff were asked to share their experiences in West Ridge and which factors led to their Change of Heart and the program’s ultimate success. Developing relationships on and off campus were noted as being critical to change, and one experience that created strong relationships was, “recognizing change in self and others”.In our program, for confidence to grow between parents and child, one thing that needs to happen is “seeing” the change that is happening. And in order to help that change to continue, it should be reinforced as something that is desirable.
1.The recognition or praise should be deserved. Most people don’t like to be patronized, and we can usually tell when somebody is faking it.
2.Acknowledging even the small changes is essential. Even though a lot more may still need to be done, sometimes just recognizing the small efforts are enough to keep the ball rolling.
3.Train yourself to notice the good things. Too often our first reaction is to notice the bad so we can correct it. We should refocus our way of thinking and try to highlight the positive things that are going on around us, especially those that are coming from our kids.
4.Ask teachers, leaders, and others, “What good happened this week that I did not see?” Sometimes they are your eyes and ears. If they do not tell you, you will probably miss it.
5.Do not gush praise so much that it loses its power. Sometimes we are so eager to praise that we overdo it to the point where it could be counterproductive because: 1) it could take the focus away from the important aspects that still need to get done, and 2) it could appear insincere since almost everything gets praised anyway. Either way, it’s critical for recognition to be given in moderation and only when it’s absolutely deserved.
This may be a shift from the way many of us are. But the fact that you went through the process and made the effort of adjusting the way you perceive things, and effectively communicating your emotions will make it all worthwhile. All you have to do is think of a time when you received praise, especially when you did not expect it, and you will recall the boost it gave to your self-esteem and the internal desire to get that praise again. Recognition of progress is not a cure-all, but it is critical to the positive self-concept that exists for our children and for us.